Inane Prattle

January, 2008

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Well, here it is.

I guess I'm here starting this, my own blog.

Just to, like, give you what's goin' on here, I'm writing this, or should I say, speaking this on a, kind of, recording thingy, which I'm giving to my cousin... I'm not supposed to use his right name, but I'll call him Jess (snicker!)... he's takin' the stuff I'm sayin' and, like, "describing" [transcribing] it down on his lapatop so's you can read it here. He said he'd make it so's I wouldn't be like spelling stuff dumb, but he'd try an' give ya an' idea how's I talk, 'cause I talk pretty good, so says kids I know, an' that's good as me.

He says just talk, an' he'll do the rest, 'cause I sure don't know the stuff he does with it, he says it'll end up someawheres people can read it, so I guess if you're reading this, then he done done his job, if not's, well, I might as well be talking down some well as talking to this gadget here, but what hey, sure beats doin' homework or some such...

I 'spose I should be tellin' you about me, though... ahh... "Jess" says I shouldn't be tellin' you, like, my name or age or nothin', 'cause it would, like, mess with the, what's he say, "mystery" of this blog here. Seems funny, but I guess I wouldn't like folks I don't know or nothin' walkin' on up to me an' sayin', like, dumb stuff about what I'm a-sayin', I don't know, but it still seems funny, like I'm makin' things up, and that's what my pa says is lyin', and my teacher, he says it's fiction, like not tryin' to be mean of nothin' with what you say, but like hidin' some details, which he said was "protecting the innocent", which he says with some kind of funny, you know, faroff grin, but I don't what that's all about.

So here's my story, you know, wink, wink. I'm calling myself "Will", which I decided on 'cause I "won't", heh, heh. Yeah, you sort of have to know me to know what's funny about that, but if you knew me, but that's kind of whiparound [circular] logic, 'cause if you knew me, well, you know...

So I'm Will, and I go to school down at the bottom of the hill, and, like, each Saturday I'm gonna catch a ride from my brother, who just got a job, so's now he's got a little money to buy gas and such, and he says he likes any old excuse to drive around, so going off to [town name] to my cousin's is "no problemo", as he likes to say, sounds funny to me. And Jess, who someawheres got two of these recording things, they're no bigger than a hairbrush handle, swaps me the one I been talking into for one that's, like, empty. He says I can talk maybe an hour or more 'for this thing gets all full, but I can talk kind of fast when I get excited about somethin', my ma says I talk a "blue streak", but I don't know what the heck that means, 'ceptin' I'm sure keepin' up or passin' what I'm thinkin' about.

Well, Jess says that I should keep it down this first time to gettin' you to know who's a-writin' this thing, an' maybe sometime he'd show me how all this talk is showing up on one of them screens in the library at school, with all of that smart suff that's there. So, mister brush handle, this is me gettin' ready to press this button right he...
I hope this works this time, I'm having some hassle working with this contraption here...

(pause)

I think it's going. Well, here am I again, another load of nothin' on the heap of nothin' that is my life.

Oh, I know what I can talk about... somthin' my brother said yesterday. I was feeding my beta... that's a fish... yesterday... her name's Fluffy, by the way, but that's a whole different story, and I was kinda musin' aloud 'bout how I wondered if she got lonely, just her an' all in the bowl there an' all, and my brother was happinin' by and he said to me, and this is a guy that don't be a-conversin' with the "little people" that he be a-referrin' to me, like, much, so I was a mite suprised of his a-sayin' anythin' at all, well, he says that Fluffy couldn't be standin' another beta-fish in there, 'cause she'd just fight with the new one, 'cause that's their nature an' all, and he suddenly got a, like, weird look on his face, like some-a gear was like grinding in his brain, (what little he got), and he said, "Yeah, she would have to be the 'alpha beta' in the bowl", and he kinda half-snickered and half-burped, and then slid off mumblin' somethin' like, "just an alphabet soup". Somethimes I think he got the red and blue wires crossed up wrong someawheres in his head, 'cause he'll say somethin' "thin on sequitor" (as my uncle used to say) like that, and then just sashay off like he was a-listening to some laugh track only he would be a-hearin', all proud of himself. Seems to me, he spends too much time a-fishin from the wrong end of the pier, if you know what I'm saying. But ma and pa, ma mostly, are kinda hopin' he's gonna be doin' sometin' important for himself some day, and, in a funny kinda way, I hope so, too, 'cause if he messes up big and trips himself on some untied shoelaces of buzzy-wheres [misdirection], then, sure as butter follows bridge, ma and pa will be lookin' to me to be a-climbing some hill that they never saw the top of. Oh, sugar, someone's coming...
OK, just so's you know, this one is a do-over, since I talked to... Jess -- see, I'm getting better at this -- yesterday, an' he reminded me to always use a fake name for anybody I talk about on these things, somethin' about protectin' their anti-humidity [anonimity] or somethin', so I'll tell you again about what I told you yesterday, but you won't be hearing it as of then 'cause I'll say it now instead.

Anywho, I was talking to smarty-Artie -- now see, that's a much better name for him anyway than [name]... oops, I wasn't supposed to say that, oh boy, oh boy, this is hard for a clucka-head like me --- ah... talking with Artie, and he has this-a-way of talking like he's got words in his head that are like shoved in sideaways and giving him fits until he can come out with them and makin' his mind like more relaxed 'cause he finds the most discombobulated ways of sayin' stuff just sos he can put out that word and you know the dang thing sicks out like a cardinal in a murder of crows sos you know the word was the whole reason he comes out with this little orphan-like sentence and he says it there and lets it hang in the wind, and any, like, people in earshot are, like, maybe nodding their heads like, "sure, that's an real cogent commentary on whatever you're talking about", (he once told us what "cogent" meant, and, I have to admit, it's a neat one to say), but he doesn't leave it there, he has to give it just that little pause there and then, "oh, by the way, dah-dah means dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dada-dah", feeling like he done drug [dragged] us out of some muddy pit of ignorance into the grassy meadow of whoop-de-doo smartness. Well, thank you mister smartypants, I could not bear to go on without knowin' what "perambulate" means, like "walk" has three too few syllables to be used by your falutin' highness.

Not that Artie isn't a bad guy otherwhichaways, nice an' friendly and such, but he's dang pedantic. (I once made the bad step of askin' him what "pedantic" meant, and he said, with kind of a smirk, "it's knowing what a word such as 'pedantic' means, and showing other people that you know it". if that isn't nailing him with a single adjective, I don't know what else could do it.)